:+: The story of Isaac's life :+:


After more then 24 hours of labor, Isaac was finally born into this world alive at 2:46 AM.

That was my one request to God. When I told God that I would be okay with His decision.....All I asked was that Isaac would come out alive, and he did. God answered my prayers that I could hold my son in my arms while he was alive, for that I am so greatful!!

After that one last push that pushed Isaac into this world, I remember the flood of relief that my body felt. I was so overwhelmed by that relief that I just layed back against Trents chest and cried. I was so relieved that I was no longer in pain, that for a quick second I almost forgot that Isaac was finally here. The moment that we had anticipated for so long was finally upon us.  

At first we didn't hear anything. He didn't cry the instant he came out like my girls did. For a second it worried me. Then  I remember hearing my doctor whisper "Come on sweety" to Isaac as she suctioned out his mouth and airway. Then at last I heard him. He didn't cry, but he did make a sound that I can't quite explain. It was the most wonderful sound that I've ever heard. I remember thinking "He's alive!!", and at the same time I remember hearing Alicia and Joy behind me start to cry and laugh with joy and relief. It was a very emotional moment. My son was born and he was alive!! 

Not long after my doctor got him to breathe, she clamped off the cord and he was placed on my chest and I got to see my son for the first time. He was beautiful. He did not look like I expected him to. I was expecting something that wasn't so beautiful and so perfect. He looked normal. He looked like my girls did when they were first born. He looked exactly like them, except he had his Daddy's forehead. I remember seeing pictures of other babies who had Potter's Syndrome. I was expecting Isaac to look like them. I always read that Potter's Syndrome babies had a certain look to them, because of the very limited space in the womb, their faces looked a certain way. Isaac didn't though......I was pleasantly surprised. My son was not only born alive, but he was beautiful and looked pefect. You would have never guessed that there was anything wrong with him.


Not long after Isaac was born, my mother and sisters got to the hospital. I told my nurse to ask them to wait for a little while. The placenta was not yet delieved and I was still in the laboring position with everything on display. Not a very pretty picture I'm sure!!My doctor and my nurse tried to clean him as quickly as possible. He still had a lot of vernix on him, so it was difficult to clean him up. After a few minutes I felt the contractions start up again. I told my doctor and she helped to deliver the placenta. Once that was out, they cleaned up all of their tools and put stuff away that wasn't needed in the room anymore. My nurse checked my vitals and cleaned me up and made me presentable. I told the nurse that she could send my mother and sisters in now. They came in after only a short while. We were left alone after that, except for the nurse checking my vitals every so often as well as Isaac's heartbeat and breathing.

I can't remember a whole lot that happened around me after Isaac was born. I can't tell you any certain times, or when people arrived, or who arrived first.....All I remember is Isaac. After watching the video that Joy recorded of Isaac I can see what did happen around me that I could not remember for the life of me. I now know that my doctor came in and sat with us for a little while.....but I don't remember her being there. I thought she had left after she delivered Isaac but apparently she had stayed. She talked with us, but I don't actually remember talking to her or anyone. I do remember a few things, like Trent calling his parents and telling them to hurry up, Trent trying to call our pastor, my nurse telling me that certain people had arrived, and me telling her to tell them to come in. Other then that, I don't remember anything except Isaac and everything he did.

I had originally planned on not having anyone in the room with us after Isaac was born, other then those we had chosen to take pictures and only a couple others. After Isaac was born though, and our family started arriving, I couldn't deny them and turn them away. I wanted them to share in Isaacs life. So I just told everyone to come in. I didn't mind at all. Everyone was respectful and quiet. No one was intrusive or tried to take Isaac from us. It was just a very peacful time.


Isaac continued to make those sounds that he made I think for the first hour. At first they were every few minutes, but as time progressed they got farther and father apart. Isaac couldn't cry, but I think these sounds were his attempt to cry. I loved it when he made those sounds. I will never forget that sound. It was like music to my ears.

I remember thinking "Open your eyes sweety...." At first I didnt think he was going to but eventually he did. He opened his left eye and looked at me for a few seconds and then closed it. He never did open his eye again. I'm just happy that he opened the one at least once. He saw his Momma, and I'm happy for that.  

Isaac didn't move much at all. I think the only time he did move on his own, was when I would tickle his feet. When I would tickle his feet his reflexes would make his legs move real quick away from my fingers, then he would make his little sound again, but that was about all he did. He couldn't grasp my finger like all babies do. He couldn't move his arms, legs or feet. He just layed there in my arms. He did move his head just a little when he would try to cry. Nothing much else. This was all expected though. Due to the lack of space in the womb, his muscles failed to grow, so he could not move on his own. Although when I was pregnant with him, he did move quite a bit. He was pretty active in there.

Isaac spent the majority of his life in my arms. I did give him to Trent for awhile, while I got adjusted and Trent finally got out from behind me where he had been sitting since I had Isaac. He handed him back and we all just stared at him in amazement, just waiting to see if he would do anything else.

After I got over the initial shock of it all during the first few moments, I didn't cry. I didn't feel the need to cry. I remember hearing everyone in the room crying and sniffling. I remember hearing Trent sniffling behind me as well. I don't know why I didn't cry.....Maybe because he wasn't gone yet. He was still very much alive and still hanging on. I tried to cherish every moment I had with him while he was alive and didn't want to waste it crying. I wanted to smile and laugh everytime he did something, every time he tried to cry, or when he opened his eye, or when I would tickle him. I didn't want the sadness of it all to ruin the moment, because it was all I had. I would never get to laugh with him later, or I would never get to smile while looking down upon him as he slept. I'd never get to tickle his feet again. It was hard to fit a lifetime into less then an hour and a half, but I did the best I could with the time I had.


I can still remember clearly how much it hurt when I sat there crying. I kept thinking that I had to stop crying, and then it wouldn't hurt so bad. When I would try to stop crying though, it hurt even more. My heart ached so bad, it felt like it was going to explode. I can honestly say that I felt my heart break that morning. The pain I felt was agonizing. Unbearable.....worse then the contractions I had felt just an hour and 20 minutes before.  

I don't know how long we sat there crying. I don't know if my nurse ever came back in during that time. I remember that our crying eventually subsided and we sat there in a daze. Trents father came in and told us that our pastor wanted to come in and pray with us before he left. Our pastor came in and prayed with us, gave us a hug and then left. 

After he left, I thought it was as good a time as any to rearrange Isaac a little bit. Now that he was gone, I didn't need to worry so much about hurting him when I moved him. My nurse came in and helped me. She brought fresh blankets for him and we brought out the hats that we had bought for him. We swaddled him in his blankets, and put a cute little hat on his head. Then sent for Joy and Alicia so they could take pictures. Then we asked our nurse to send for people one by one so that they could hold Isaac. We never mentioned that Isaac had already passed. I didn't think they needed to know just yet.

One by one, everyone came in and held Isaac and had their picture taken with him. A few people were reluctant to hold him, and didn't want to. I simply told them that if they didn't hold him now, that they never would. So everyone got to hold him eventually and I got pictures of everyone holding him. 

One moment that stands out in my mind during this time when we were taking everyones pictures, was when my Mom held him. She was okay at first. Then she must have lifted the blanket to look at him and noticed that he wan't breathing. She looked at me with tears in her eyes and cried....."Lee-Anne! Is he gone??!!" Thats when I felt bad for not mentioning it a little earlier. I just lowered my head and said "Yeah, about an hour ago." Thats when I saw my Mom clutch him close to her and buried her face in his blanket and cried. It was heartbreaking to see. I knew she would take it hard. She had been having a hard time dealing with it ever since we first found out about his condition. She didn't like to talk about it and didn't like the way I said things. 


Our pastor arrived probably about an hour after Isaac was born. We asked him to baptise Isaac, so he did. It was quick and not drawn out. Everyone watched as he was baptised, and then bowed their heads as our pastor prayed.

After he was baptised, we asked everyone to give us some time alone with Isaac. Our nurse had been checking Isaacs heart beat periodically to make sure that he was still with us. The last half hour or so of Isaacs life, he didn't make any noises or do anything. He wouldn't respond anymore when I would tickle his feet. I would lift his blanket every so often to check his chest to see that he was still breathing. Sometimes when I checked, it looked as if he wasn't, but then I could see him take a breath again. So I knew Isaacs time was drawing near and just wanted to be alone with Trent and Isaac. I didn't want people to be there when he passed. I just wanted it to be the three of us.

We spent a little while alone with him, alhough I'm not sure how long that time was. Five or Ten minutes maybe. Our nurse checked his heartbeat twice in that time. The first time, she listened for a little while, and then told us that during that time she was listening she heard his heart beat twice. She left us alone for a few minutes and thats when I gave him to Trent to hold. Trent was reluctant to hold Isaac the entire time, but I wanted to make sure he did hold him.

While Trent held him, we told Isaac we loved him and gave him plenty of kisses. I looked at him and told him to say "Hello" to Jesus for me. Then we said Good-Bye. Our nurse came back in and checked his heartbeat one last time. I remember that she took the stethoscope away from his chest and just kinda shook her head. Isaac died in his Daddy's arms at 4:05 am. 

I don't even remember what she said, or what we did right after she told us he was gone, besides the fact that Trent handed him back to me. I just know that she left the room to let us be alone. I can remember the heavyness I felt in my heart....that ache. I didn't want to cry, I tried not to. I remember trying my hardest not to cry, but the more I tried not to cry, the more it hurt. The heartache eventually took over and I started crying. So did Trent. Trent sat back on the bed beside me and put his arms around me and layed my head on his chest and then I let it out and bawled. Trent just held me while I held Isaac and we cried together. 


After everyone had held him, we did all the measuring and the other things that needed to be done. Our nurse took him and weighed and measured him. He weighed 7lbs 3oz and was 19 1/2 inches long. He was pretty big even though he was almost 4 weeks early. They did his hand and foot prints for the birth certificate, and for our scrapbooks. We also got hand and foot molds done.

After that is when everyone started leaving. They had all been up most of the night. They had all stayed the day before and late into the night and had only left for a few hours before we called them back up to the hospital. So no one got much sleep that night. My sister Jackie got there late. She got to hold Isaac as well. I was actually relieved when I saw her.....I don't know why, but I felt better knowing that she was there. She to eventually left with everyone else.

Soon it was just Trents parents, our girls and Joy left. After everyone was gone I was finally able to get up and use the bathroom and get cleaned up a bit. I gave Isaac his first bath. It was weird though. They brought in a little basin with warm water and some soaps and washcloths. My nurse told me not to scrub to hard when I washed him. I never asked her why, but I didn't want to find out and didn't scrub to hard. With all that verix still on him, it was hard to get him clean without scrubbing. So I left a lot of it on him. Needless to say, he didn't get to clean. I was just to scared to do it all. His neck and back were stiffening up and it was getting harder to move him around. When I turned him over to clean the back of him, it looked like he had bruising on his back from the blankets or something. I didn't want to look at it so I just left it. I cleaned up his face, hands and feet the best I could because I knew that was what would be showing in the pictures, and didn't worry so much about the rest of it. I did get to wash his hair though. He had lots of black hair all over his head. I washed that with baby shampoo and then took him over to the sink and rinsed it out under the tap like I did with my girls hair when they were first born. We also cut a lock of his hair to put away as a keepsake as well.

After I had him sorta cleaned up, I brought out the clothes that we had bought for him. I was wanting to try a few things on him, and get a bunch of pictures taken. So I had brought severeal outfits. When I went to put a onsie on him though, it was very difficult to do it. Since his neck, back and arms had stiffened up, it was hard to put it on him. So I said forget it, and just picked out the outfit that would be easiest for me to put on him. It was an outfit that a lady had donated to us about a  month before. It was a beautiful knit shirt and pant outfit with blue ribbon. It also had a cute little hat to match! I put it on him and it looked perfect. I didn't want to take it off of him after that.

We had joy do some more pictures of just him after I had him cleaned and dressed. You can see those pictures on the next page at the bottom. They turned out beautiful!!!  


After Trents parents and Joy had left, we were finally left alone with Isaac. Our nurse came in and we did all the paper work that needed to be taken care of. We had the hospital photographer come up and take pictures of him as well. You know the kind that you usually order from the hospital? That was the first time that Isaac was taken out of the room and away from us.

We spent a little time alone with him, and just talked. After awhile our nurse came back and asked if we wanted her to contact the funeral home. I wasn't quite sure if I was ready for that just yet, but I told her to go ahead and call them, so that they at least knew what was going on. She had told us that they usually take about an hour or so after you call them. So I was okay with that. She called them a little while later, and came back and said that they would be here in 20 minutes!! All of a sudden I panicked. I thought I had an hour left with him, but now she was saying they would be here in 20 minutes!! I wasn't to happy with that, but I figured that I would have to let him go sooner or later.........

So we spent the next 20 minutes alone with him and waited. I gave him to Trent so that he could hold him before they took him. I was scared to have them take him. I knew they needed to take him, but these people were strangers.....How could I just give them my baby?? I hated it. I hated every second of it. 

Trent had given Isaac back to me when the funeral director arrived, so I could hold him one last time.The funeral director was very kind, and looked sympathetic. He came in and introduced himself. They asked us what his name was, and commented on how beautiful he was. Before I would give Isaac to him, I asked what they would be doing with him, what their procedure was. He gave us a run down of what he would do. He said they would take him, get him cleaned up and "prepared" for the services and burial. I didn't like any of it. I hated hearing about what they were going to do to my baby. He gave us his card and said we should contact them as soon as we felt up to it. Then it came time to give Isaac to them.  

I was reluctant to do so. I didn't want to. I almost thought of telling them "No you can't take him!". I knew it had to be done though. I looked down at my son, and gave him a kiss and whispered that I loved him. I looked at them people again and just couldn't give him to them. I couldn't get my arms to do it. I think my nurse knew I was having a hard time letting him go, so she came over and asked if I wanted her to take him out instead. I felt better about that. So after a few last moments of looking at Isaac, holding him close and one last kiss, I handed him to my nurse and she placed him in the little bassinet. I grabbed Isaacs little lamby that my sister had given to him (you can see it in the pictures) and told her to put it in with him. So she said okay, and told me that she would bring it back, along with his blankets and hat.

That was it. They took him away. It broke my heart even more. After they had left, I broke down and cried. I couldn't handle it, and just bawled. Trent came and sat with me. We hugged each other and cried. Our son was truly gone. After months of waiting, it had finally happened. After months of dreading that moment, our son was no longer with us....in spirit or in body. I felt empty inside.


Eventually my tears subsided, and I was left in a daze. I just layed there on my bed and stared out the window. My nurse came back and said I should probably get some sleep. She offered a seditive, but I declined and just asked for something for pain. She came back with that and I took it. I dosed off for awhile, while Trent slept on the pull out couch. I didn't sleep long. I just couldn't sleep. Another one of my nurses came in to see us later on. She was with us through part of the labor. She was also one of the nurses there when I had my girls. She talked with us for awhile. Encouraging us, and telling us how well we were handling it all. I kinda laughed and told her "yeah, you didn't see us earlier." She was a big help to us. She's a great nurse. I showed her pictures of Isaac and a little of the video of him. When she left, she told us to call her when we had set up the dates and times for his services, because she wanted to be there. She gave us a hug and left.

My sister Aimee and my mom came up to see us later as well. My sister brought flowers, and my mom sat and talked with me. They eventually left and my Dad, my sisters Jackie and Jewels and my nephew came up to see us. They stayed for awhile. I had supper and then we packed our stuff. I got my regular clothes on and made myself presentable. I then signed my discharge papers, gave my nurse a hug and promised her I'd let her know when the services were. She also asked permission to share our story with her children, I don't know why she wanted to. I told her it was fine. She was a wonderful nurse, I'm so glad that she was there with us.

Once everything was taken care of, everyone grabbed a bag or a box, and we walked down to the ER lobby where Trent had brought the van around. We got everything put in the van and I hugged my nurse one last time and told my family that we would call them later. I left the hospital the same day that I gave birth to my son. It was hard leaving without him. I walked into that hospital pregnant. And after all that work, I came out empty handed.

It was raining when we left. I remember looking out the window as we drove home. The weather fit my feelings perfectly. It was rainy outside as well as inside my heart. The earth seemed to be mourning my son as well.....

It was truly over. My son was gone. I knew I still had many rough days ahead of me, but at least the worst was over.

"Your life was a blessing, your memory is a treasure.
You are loved beyond words, and missed beyond measure"

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