The story of Isaac James
Hello, my name is Lee-Anne. My wonderful husbands name is Trent and we have been married 5 years now. We have 3 beautiful children....Zoey (4), and Alayna (3). Our son Isaac, who has been gone now for more then a year, is the reason for this story....
Ever since we first became pregnant with my oldest daughter, we hoped and prayed for a boy. We ended up having 2 girls, and wouldn't trade them for anything that this world has to offer. They are my life and I could not thank God enough for giving them to me. I was pregnant for our first two anniversary's. It seems that I've been pregnant the whole time that we have been married!!
After having Alayna, we told ourselves that we were done. We started giving away and selling all of the baby stuff that we had and didn't need anymore. We still wanted a boy, but didn't want to risk having another girl LOL, which we thought for sure we would have.
I got pregnant with Zoey 4 months after we were married. Then I was pregnant again with Alayna 4 months after having Zoey. A year had passed since we had Alayna and we were doing pretty good with not getting pregnant. I remember telling Trent that I wanted time to rest after having Alayna.....at least a year I had told him. Well I got that one year of rest and that was it!! We found out that we were pregnant with our third child just a few weeks after Alayna's first birthday.
This is the story of that baby.....A sweet little boy named Isaac James. He lived only a short while, but he has touched so many people, and so many lives. He is loved and will be cherished forever!!
Ever since we first became pregnant with my oldest daughter, we hoped and prayed for a boy. We ended up having 2 girls, and wouldn't trade them for anything that this world has to offer. They are my life and I could not thank God enough for giving them to me. I was pregnant for our first two anniversary's. It seems that I've been pregnant the whole time that we have been married!!
After having Alayna, we told ourselves that we were done. We started giving away and selling all of the baby stuff that we had and didn't need anymore. We still wanted a boy, but didn't want to risk having another girl LOL, which we thought for sure we would have.
I got pregnant with Zoey 4 months after we were married. Then I was pregnant again with Alayna 4 months after having Zoey. A year had passed since we had Alayna and we were doing pretty good with not getting pregnant. I remember telling Trent that I wanted time to rest after having Alayna.....at least a year I had told him. Well I got that one year of rest and that was it!! We found out that we were pregnant with our third child just a few weeks after Alayna's first birthday.
This is the story of that baby.....A sweet little boy named Isaac James. He lived only a short while, but he has touched so many people, and so many lives. He is loved and will be cherished forever!!
Finding out we were pregnant
I don't know if we were trying to get pregnant, so I'm not going to say that we were. We knew when I ovulated and did nothing to prevent this pregnancy. I think deep down I wanted to get pregnant, but didn't think that we would.....So I wasn't worried about it, and didn't think anything would happen.
Like I was saying earlier, I told Trent that I wanted at least a year to rest. When I said this, I was joking, and didn't intend to get pregnant for a loooooooong time!!! Alayna's birthday was August 24th, and I ovulated August 25th. A couple of weeks after that on September 9th, we got our first positive pregnancy test! I thought for sure I wasn't pregnant. I hadn't gotten my period yet and was just taking it to see.....thinking for sure I wasn't, because I felt fine and I didn't feel anything like I did with the girls!! So this was a total shock to us. At least I think it was.....I know Trent cried when we found out. I remember him getting mad and then crying. We were no where near being ready to have another one. I must admit that I was feeling kinda over-whelmed with 2 little girls already as it was. I think I had a mix of emotions when I found out. First shock, then that "Oh crap!!" feeling....actually I think thats what I said when I saw that little pink line show up. Then I was excited, although I didn't want to tell Trent that, knowing how he was feeling about it. I kept asking him if he was mad. I could tell by the look on his face that he was, but I still asked him anyways. He said he was but he would get over it.
A day or so later, we talked about it. I asked him again if he was mad. He said no. He told me that God knows what He is doing. If God thought we could do it, then we would be okay. So after that his additude changed and he was able to be happy. We were both very happy and excited about it after that.
Telling everyone the news
We didn't know what to tell Trents parents. We didn't know what they would think......I was sure that they would be mad about it. Why I thought that, I don't know. We eventually decided to send Trents mom a picture of our positive pregnancy test. I didn't have it in me to tell them to their faces. They weren't mad, and didn't have much to say about it surprisingly.
I had no fears of telling my parents. My mom was kinda surprised and acted like we were crazy for having another one. My sisters were happy for us of course and joked about how they had told me that I was going to get pregnant again.
I enjoyed telling everyone else about it. I loved telling everyone that Alayna was going to be a big sister. Everyone was happy for us and we couldn't have been more happier! We knew for sure that this one was the baby boy we were waiting for.
I had no fears of telling my parents. My mom was kinda surprised and acted like we were crazy for having another one. My sisters were happy for us of course and joked about how they had told me that I was going to get pregnant again.
I enjoyed telling everyone else about it. I loved telling everyone that Alayna was going to be a big sister. Everyone was happy for us and we couldn't have been more happier! We knew for sure that this one was the baby boy we were waiting for.
The first couple of months
The first couple of months were pretty much uneventful. Nothing much happened. It was just another pregnancy, nothing too special about it. I started my regular monthly OB visits with the best OB doctor in the world. She's the one that delivered both of my girls, and really is the best doctor ever!! I had my first OB appoinment October 27th. I was about 9 weeks pregnant and we got to see the little bean on the ultrasound. He looked like a little gummybear, he was so cute. (You can see that ultrasound picture in the 'Other Pics' page.)
I had morning sickness in the beginning of this pregnancy. Nothing to horrible, but worse then I did with both of my girls. Some days were worse then others. I actually had to throw up a few times this pregnancy, with the girls I never did. I wasn't throwing up all the time, but I was always feeling sick. It would start in the morning and then I would feel better by supper time. I bought those Dum-Dum Pops to suck on whenever I felt sick. They helped a lot!!! The girls liked them as well LOL. I think the morning sickness finally let up when I got into my second trimester. Then it went back to being an uneventful pregnancy.
I had my second OB appointment November 21st. Just another OB appointment, nothing special. We got to see the baby again on the ultrasound, Things looked normal at the time, although when we look back on that ultrasound picture now, things looked a little off. It was too early to realize that there was anything wrong, so thats why we didn't notice the 'Offness' of that ultrasound. We scheduled my "Big Ultrasound" at that appointment. I was so excited. I couldn't wait to find out what we were going to have. My Ultrasound was scheduled for December 12th. I so looked forward to that date. Looking back now.....we should have been dreading it. That ultrasound was the real start of this journey......
I had morning sickness in the beginning of this pregnancy. Nothing to horrible, but worse then I did with both of my girls. Some days were worse then others. I actually had to throw up a few times this pregnancy, with the girls I never did. I wasn't throwing up all the time, but I was always feeling sick. It would start in the morning and then I would feel better by supper time. I bought those Dum-Dum Pops to suck on whenever I felt sick. They helped a lot!!! The girls liked them as well LOL. I think the morning sickness finally let up when I got into my second trimester. Then it went back to being an uneventful pregnancy.
I had my second OB appointment November 21st. Just another OB appointment, nothing special. We got to see the baby again on the ultrasound, Things looked normal at the time, although when we look back on that ultrasound picture now, things looked a little off. It was too early to realize that there was anything wrong, so thats why we didn't notice the 'Offness' of that ultrasound. We scheduled my "Big Ultrasound" at that appointment. I was so excited. I couldn't wait to find out what we were going to have. My Ultrasound was scheduled for December 12th. I so looked forward to that date. Looking back now.....we should have been dreading it. That ultrasound was the real start of this journey......
Realizing that something wasn't right....
The day finally came to have my ultrasound. The day I looked forward to so much. My appointment was at 11:30 am, so we woke up early so we could get the girls ready and drop Alayna off with her Gramma. We decided to take Zoey with us because she is so well behaved that we knew we wouldn't have a problem with her being there. She loved seeing the baby in the other 2 ultrasounds that we had had, so I knew she'd want to see this one as well. We got there on time and only had to wait a little while to go back. At this time, we were still thinking everything was normal and were just glad that we would find out what we would be having. We figured this would be just another routine ultrasound......
We got in the little room and they asked the usual questions, and went through everything the same as they did when I was pregnant with the girls. The ultrasound tech was a lady, who I think I remember from an ultrasound with one of the girls. She pointed out a few things to us and described what she was measuring at times. I asked her if she could tell what we were having, if it was a boy or girl. She told me that she thought it was still to early to tell. She asked me when I had my next doctors appointment, and I told her I had one the following friday. She then told me to go empty my bladder and we would finish up the ultrasound when I got back.
She finshed the ultrasound pretty quick and then printed off a picture for us to take home. We were still thinking everything was fine until she told us that we were done with the ultrasound, and that we had to go sit back in the waiting room until my doctor called us up to her office.......Thats when the red flags started going up in my head, and I knew something was up. I asked the nurse that escorted us out to the waiting room why I had to wait to see the doctor. She told me that it was just written on the lab order that she wanted to see us after the ultrasound was done. I know that was not true because I saw the lab order sheet, and no where on that paper did it say that she wanted to see me afterwards. I'd seen the lab order sheets before when I got ultrasounds done for the girls and they all looked exactly the same. So I knew they were lying to me, and that something was up.....I just didn't know what.
We got in the little room and they asked the usual questions, and went through everything the same as they did when I was pregnant with the girls. The ultrasound tech was a lady, who I think I remember from an ultrasound with one of the girls. She pointed out a few things to us and described what she was measuring at times. I asked her if she could tell what we were having, if it was a boy or girl. She told me that she thought it was still to early to tell. She asked me when I had my next doctors appointment, and I told her I had one the following friday. She then told me to go empty my bladder and we would finish up the ultrasound when I got back.
She finshed the ultrasound pretty quick and then printed off a picture for us to take home. We were still thinking everything was fine until she told us that we were done with the ultrasound, and that we had to go sit back in the waiting room until my doctor called us up to her office.......Thats when the red flags started going up in my head, and I knew something was up. I asked the nurse that escorted us out to the waiting room why I had to wait to see the doctor. She told me that it was just written on the lab order that she wanted to see us after the ultrasound was done. I know that was not true because I saw the lab order sheet, and no where on that paper did it say that she wanted to see me afterwards. I'd seen the lab order sheets before when I got ultrasounds done for the girls and they all looked exactly the same. So I knew they were lying to me, and that something was up.....I just didn't know what.
Going up to see the Doctor
So after going to what we thought was just a normal routine ultrasound, we knew something was up and waited anxiously in the waiting room of the hospital lab. They must have called the doctor after we had left, because it took at least half an hour for them to call us up to the second floor where my doctors office is.
We got up there and they took us straight to one of the little rooms the doctor usually sees you in. We waited maybe 5 minutes and my doctor finally came in to talk to us. She started off by saying "You're probably wondering what this is all about!" I was like....."Umm yeah." She told us that the ultrasound tech had noticed that the baby had a very low amount of amniotic fluid.
At first thought, I figured this was nothing and I was NOT worried at all. I never thought it was as serious as it really was.
She told us that we would have to go to a specialist and find out whats wrong. She asked me if I thought I was leaking. I knew I wasn’t. So she said that she would skip the exam since I was sure that I wasn’t leaking. So she said to just go home and they would contact the doctor in Saginaw who would do an ultrasound to see what was up.They called later and gave me the number to call first thing Monday morning.
I left the office, not really worried, but curious as to what was going on. They told me not to worry and that they were sure it was okay. When I got home, I looked up what it meant to have low fluid. It was then that I realized the seriousness of it all and that something could seriously be wrong with my baby. I then got scared and anxious for the weekend to be over with.
That was one long weekend! Waiting to find out what is wrong with your baby is excruciating. It probably didn’t help that I looked up every possible thing that could be wrong with my baby, and how his outcome would be. I calmly waited and when monday came around I called and they scheduled an appointment for the next day at 8am! To early for me, but hey whatever. They said that the doctor doesn’t usually start seeing patients until 9am, but was coming in early just to see me. That didn’t make me feel any better knowing that it was such an urgent thing that he had to come in early just for me!!
We got up there and they took us straight to one of the little rooms the doctor usually sees you in. We waited maybe 5 minutes and my doctor finally came in to talk to us. She started off by saying "You're probably wondering what this is all about!" I was like....."Umm yeah." She told us that the ultrasound tech had noticed that the baby had a very low amount of amniotic fluid.
At first thought, I figured this was nothing and I was NOT worried at all. I never thought it was as serious as it really was.
She told us that we would have to go to a specialist and find out whats wrong. She asked me if I thought I was leaking. I knew I wasn’t. So she said that she would skip the exam since I was sure that I wasn’t leaking. So she said to just go home and they would contact the doctor in Saginaw who would do an ultrasound to see what was up.They called later and gave me the number to call first thing Monday morning.
I left the office, not really worried, but curious as to what was going on. They told me not to worry and that they were sure it was okay. When I got home, I looked up what it meant to have low fluid. It was then that I realized the seriousness of it all and that something could seriously be wrong with my baby. I then got scared and anxious for the weekend to be over with.
That was one long weekend! Waiting to find out what is wrong with your baby is excruciating. It probably didn’t help that I looked up every possible thing that could be wrong with my baby, and how his outcome would be. I calmly waited and when monday came around I called and they scheduled an appointment for the next day at 8am! To early for me, but hey whatever. They said that the doctor doesn’t usually start seeing patients until 9am, but was coming in early just to see me. That didn’t make me feel any better knowing that it was such an urgent thing that he had to come in early just for me!!
Going to see the specialist
My appointment with the specialist was scheduled for Tuesday December 16th at 8AM. I went into this appointment thinking that everything woud be fine and that it was nothing....at this point I’m still thinking that this was just another normal pregnancy and just another baby....I was still thinking nothing was wrong, and if anything....it could be fixed.
We had made plans with Trents cousin Sally to drive up to Saginaw with us because Trent was sick with the stomach bug and didn’t feel well enough to drive there and back. We woke up at 5:30am, so we had an hour to get ready and be over at Sally’s house to pick her up. It was -3 degrees when we left the house....not a very nice start to the day. We picked up Sally and she drove us there. I think we arrived about half an hour early. We got directions to where we were going from the security gaurd because we had no clue where we were going. We got up to the place where we were supposed to be. No one was around.
About 7:45am the lights turned on and a receptionist opened the doors and said good morning. She took my papers and all that stuff and then we waited for them to call us back. They finally came and got us and only me and Trent went back. (I wasn’t wanting Sally to see my belly...or anything else that might be exposed LOL) At this point I’m still thinking everything was fine, I wasn’t totally worried, just curious.
The nurse started the ultrasound, and did the basic measurments eg; head, legs arms, spine..all that stuff, and also checked the heartbeat. The fluid was still low, which kinda worried me, because I figured that it would have filled back up over the weekend.
The doctor came in not long after we got there. He introduced himself and shook our hands. He took over on the ultrasound and started to explain the reasons why my fluid would be low.
Possible Reason #1 - I could be leaking fluid.
Possible Reason #2 - There could be an obstruction and the fluid could be in the baby’s belly or bladder.
Possible Reason #3 - Something could be wrong with the kidneys.
He looked at the baby’s bladder and said that it wasn’t filling up like it should be, so that made him think that it was the kidneys. So he focused on the kidneys because he was sure that thats what the cause was. The one kidney looked weird to him, and he couldn’t see or find the other one. He thought maybe the baby was positioned where we couldn’t get a good look, so he left me for 10 minutes while I layed on my left side to see if the baby would move any.
While the doctor was out, I’m laying on my left side trying hard not to cry. Just that little bit of info upset me. Trent kept trying to reassure me that everything was okay. Now at this point I’m thinking that “Okay maybe something is wrong, but it can be fixed!! Everything can be fixed these days...”.
When he came back in he looked again. I’m still not sure whether he found the other kidney or not, and he said that the one kidney that he did see, he wasn’t even sure if that was the kidney or if it was the baby’s bowel (meaning that, he wasn’t sure if that kidney formed either).
We had made plans with Trents cousin Sally to drive up to Saginaw with us because Trent was sick with the stomach bug and didn’t feel well enough to drive there and back. We woke up at 5:30am, so we had an hour to get ready and be over at Sally’s house to pick her up. It was -3 degrees when we left the house....not a very nice start to the day. We picked up Sally and she drove us there. I think we arrived about half an hour early. We got directions to where we were going from the security gaurd because we had no clue where we were going. We got up to the place where we were supposed to be. No one was around.
About 7:45am the lights turned on and a receptionist opened the doors and said good morning. She took my papers and all that stuff and then we waited for them to call us back. They finally came and got us and only me and Trent went back. (I wasn’t wanting Sally to see my belly...or anything else that might be exposed LOL) At this point I’m still thinking everything was fine, I wasn’t totally worried, just curious.
The nurse started the ultrasound, and did the basic measurments eg; head, legs arms, spine..all that stuff, and also checked the heartbeat. The fluid was still low, which kinda worried me, because I figured that it would have filled back up over the weekend.
The doctor came in not long after we got there. He introduced himself and shook our hands. He took over on the ultrasound and started to explain the reasons why my fluid would be low.
Possible Reason #1 - I could be leaking fluid.
Possible Reason #2 - There could be an obstruction and the fluid could be in the baby’s belly or bladder.
Possible Reason #3 - Something could be wrong with the kidneys.
He looked at the baby’s bladder and said that it wasn’t filling up like it should be, so that made him think that it was the kidneys. So he focused on the kidneys because he was sure that thats what the cause was. The one kidney looked weird to him, and he couldn’t see or find the other one. He thought maybe the baby was positioned where we couldn’t get a good look, so he left me for 10 minutes while I layed on my left side to see if the baby would move any.
While the doctor was out, I’m laying on my left side trying hard not to cry. Just that little bit of info upset me. Trent kept trying to reassure me that everything was okay. Now at this point I’m thinking that “Okay maybe something is wrong, but it can be fixed!! Everything can be fixed these days...”.
When he came back in he looked again. I’m still not sure whether he found the other kidney or not, and he said that the one kidney that he did see, he wasn’t even sure if that was the kidney or if it was the baby’s bowel (meaning that, he wasn’t sure if that kidney formed either).
The fatal diagnosis
His diagnoses was that the kidneys either weren't there or they were abnormal and are not producing urine (AKA amniotic fluid)....and without that he can’t survive. When he told me this....I couldn’t help it and started crying openly. I was not expecting this at all. I figured everything was fine, I figured everything would be normal and just another pregnancy. Now this doctor was telling me that my baby was going to die!!! Ugh my heart felt shattered, I felt crushed and just wanted to crawl in a hole and die.....
He told us that the outlook wasn’t good for the baby. He said that I could carry to term(40weeks), but even if I did my baby wouldn’t live more then a few hours maybe not even a few minutes....you just never know. He said most likely my baby would die in the womb due to the cord being compressed because of the baby growing and the lack of fluid in my uterus. So my baby could have died at any moment....
They said that they could put fluid in my uterus, but that still wouldn’t help him, it would just help me carry to term. Without his kidneys, he can’t survive. His kidneys produce urine and thats the amniotic fluid that is vital to his survival and growth. When he is in the womb, the baby breathes the fluid and that helps the lungs to develop. So without the fluid, the baby’s lungs will be under developed. Also, the baby floats around in this fluid while in the uterus, and the baby can kick and move, and this helps his muscles and bones to grow, so without it his muscles will be underdeveloped as well......
When the baby’s kidneys are abnormal or fail to develop, this is diagnosed as “Potters Syndrome” or Renal Agenesis. Here is a link to the Potter’s syndrome website. http://www.potterssyndrome.org/
It was at that ultrasound that we learned what we were going to have. After the doctor had told us his diagnosis, he said to us, "I don't know if you even want to know this, but if you want to know the sex of the baby I could probably give you a pretty good guess" I kinda leaned up a little bit and asked him what it was......"Its a boy" he had said to us. I looked at the screen which he was looking at as well, and sure enough.....you could definalty tell that it was a boy. I started crying again. We had just found out that our baby was not likely to live long after birth....then we find out that this baby was the baby boy that we had hoped and prayed for. You cannot even imagine how heartbroken we were.....
He told us that the outlook wasn’t good for the baby. He said that I could carry to term(40weeks), but even if I did my baby wouldn’t live more then a few hours maybe not even a few minutes....you just never know. He said most likely my baby would die in the womb due to the cord being compressed because of the baby growing and the lack of fluid in my uterus. So my baby could have died at any moment....
They said that they could put fluid in my uterus, but that still wouldn’t help him, it would just help me carry to term. Without his kidneys, he can’t survive. His kidneys produce urine and thats the amniotic fluid that is vital to his survival and growth. When he is in the womb, the baby breathes the fluid and that helps the lungs to develop. So without the fluid, the baby’s lungs will be under developed. Also, the baby floats around in this fluid while in the uterus, and the baby can kick and move, and this helps his muscles and bones to grow, so without it his muscles will be underdeveloped as well......
When the baby’s kidneys are abnormal or fail to develop, this is diagnosed as “Potters Syndrome” or Renal Agenesis. Here is a link to the Potter’s syndrome website. http://www.potterssyndrome.org/
It was at that ultrasound that we learned what we were going to have. After the doctor had told us his diagnosis, he said to us, "I don't know if you even want to know this, but if you want to know the sex of the baby I could probably give you a pretty good guess" I kinda leaned up a little bit and asked him what it was......"Its a boy" he had said to us. I looked at the screen which he was looking at as well, and sure enough.....you could definalty tell that it was a boy. I started crying again. We had just found out that our baby was not likely to live long after birth....then we find out that this baby was the baby boy that we had hoped and prayed for. You cannot even imagine how heartbroken we were.....
Making a decision
After the specialist was done the ultrasound and was sure of his diagnosis, he told us our options. Neither option was great but I chose the only one that I knew I could go through with. He told us that most ladies, when they find out there baby has a problem like ours and has no chance for survival, they terminate the pregnancy. I know I could never do that. I mean he’s my baby...the son I’ve always wanted. There was no way I could go and kill him because he won’t survive, I could never do that to him. As long as he had a heartbeat and was growing, I would carry him. For us, that was the only option. Terminating the pregnancy was out of the question.
Sure this was the more difficult option but it was the only one that I’d be able to live with and not feel guilty about. I knew God had a plan for this little one. I still don’t know what that is yet, but whatever it is I’m okay with it. He gave us the son that Trent and I always prayed for, so we were going to love and cherish him as long as we could while he was with us. Sure it was difficult but we made it.
Looking back now, I know that I made the right decision to continue to carry him. He has touched so many lives and brought me closer to God. I know God has a purpose for him....
Sure this was the more difficult option but it was the only one that I’d be able to live with and not feel guilty about. I knew God had a plan for this little one. I still don’t know what that is yet, but whatever it is I’m okay with it. He gave us the son that Trent and I always prayed for, so we were going to love and cherish him as long as we could while he was with us. Sure it was difficult but we made it.
Looking back now, I know that I made the right decision to continue to carry him. He has touched so many lives and brought me closer to God. I know God has a purpose for him....
Heading home after seeing the specialist
We left the doctors office crushed. We went in with high hopes that everything would be okay, and we left in tears. I walked out into the waiting room to get Sally, and there sat this room full of a bunch of pregnant woman looking at me. I can't even imagine what I looked like coming out of there. I know I must have looked awful. I just nodded to Sally that we were leaving and walked out.
We didn't say anything to Sally until we got to the elevator. She was probably wondering "What in the world is going on!" She finally asked us what they said. All I could say at first was that "its not good....." I then told her what the doctor said, his diagnosis and our options. I don't even remember what she said after that. All I know is that we went down the elevator and back out to the van and drove home stopping at Burger King to get Trent something to eat.
When we finally got to the last stretch before we got home, I called Trents mom to see how the girls were and to tell her what the doctor said. I can't remember if I cried or not while telling her.....I think I did. I told her that we were going to drop Sally off and head home to be alone for a bit. I needed to sleep and rest. I needed to be alone.....I needed to think.
I don't even remember what time we got home that day. I remember just going inside and posting on Pregnancy.org to tell my friends what happened. Then I layed down on the couch while Trent did whatever....I don't even remember what he did. I remember watching The View and falling asleep for a bit, then just laying there thinking. Trents sister-in-law Bethany called to see what the doctor said. I had a hard time trying not to cry while telling her. After I got off of the phone with her, I sat there and bawled. My heart felt torn and it ached so bad.
We didn't say anything to Sally until we got to the elevator. She was probably wondering "What in the world is going on!" She finally asked us what they said. All I could say at first was that "its not good....." I then told her what the doctor said, his diagnosis and our options. I don't even remember what she said after that. All I know is that we went down the elevator and back out to the van and drove home stopping at Burger King to get Trent something to eat.
When we finally got to the last stretch before we got home, I called Trents mom to see how the girls were and to tell her what the doctor said. I can't remember if I cried or not while telling her.....I think I did. I told her that we were going to drop Sally off and head home to be alone for a bit. I needed to sleep and rest. I needed to be alone.....I needed to think.
I don't even remember what time we got home that day. I remember just going inside and posting on Pregnancy.org to tell my friends what happened. Then I layed down on the couch while Trent did whatever....I don't even remember what he did. I remember watching The View and falling asleep for a bit, then just laying there thinking. Trents sister-in-law Bethany called to see what the doctor said. I had a hard time trying not to cry while telling her. After I got off of the phone with her, I sat there and bawled. My heart felt torn and it ached so bad.
The hards days following that awful day
Later that night, I called my family to tell them the news. I called my mom first, then my sister Aimee. I cried on the phone with her for a bit. Then I called my sister Jackie and then my friend Alicia (from PG.ORG). It was so hard to talk to everyone. It was so weird telling them what was going on.
The week after that was really hard. That was probably the longest week out of the whole pregnancy. I cried alot. I sat at the computer and bawled. I layed on the bed and bawled like a baby. I felt horrible because I was acting like this in front of my daughters. Zoey did her best to comfort me. She would rub my back and tell me that it was okay, even though she had no clue what was going on.
I had to put away the ultrasound pictures. Not only was it hard to look at them, but it was difficult hearing Zoey talk about the baby. She was excited about having a baby brother. Yet how could I tell her what was going on. She would never understand. So I tried to do my best with not talking about the baby and I hoped maybe she would just forget.
The week after that was really hard. That was probably the longest week out of the whole pregnancy. I cried alot. I sat at the computer and bawled. I layed on the bed and bawled like a baby. I felt horrible because I was acting like this in front of my daughters. Zoey did her best to comfort me. She would rub my back and tell me that it was okay, even though she had no clue what was going on.
I had to put away the ultrasound pictures. Not only was it hard to look at them, but it was difficult hearing Zoey talk about the baby. She was excited about having a baby brother. Yet how could I tell her what was going on. She would never understand. So I tried to do my best with not talking about the baby and I hoped maybe she would just forget.
Talking to my doctor....
I had an appointment with my regular doctor a few days after finding out about our lil guy. She was amazing. I’m glad that I have the doctor that I have, I wouldn’t trade her for anything in the world.
I finally got in to see her and we just sat there and talked for about a half hour. She gave me a hug at first and said that she was so sorry, and that she wished this was happening to anyone else but us....Although I would never wish this on anyone!!
She told me that this is so rare that this is the first case of it that she’s ever had, and that she needed to do some reasearch on it. She basiclly told me that whatever I wanted to do was fine. If I wanted to come in every week to be checked out that would be fine....just whatever I wanted. She told the other doctors that she works with about me and they said they would try to do whatever they can for me. She also said that whenever I wanted to have an ultrasound, she would do that for me as well. I told her that I didn’t think that coming in every week was necessary, but that I would like to come in every 2 weeks to have the heartbeat checked to make sure that our little guy was still with us.She also told us that we didn’t need to go anywhere else to deliver him like I had feared, but that we could deliver him there where my girls were born. The nurses would prepare a box for us to take home with little momentos to remember him, and help us to take pictures and what not.
I finally got in to see her and we just sat there and talked for about a half hour. She gave me a hug at first and said that she was so sorry, and that she wished this was happening to anyone else but us....Although I would never wish this on anyone!!
She told me that this is so rare that this is the first case of it that she’s ever had, and that she needed to do some reasearch on it. She basiclly told me that whatever I wanted to do was fine. If I wanted to come in every week to be checked out that would be fine....just whatever I wanted. She told the other doctors that she works with about me and they said they would try to do whatever they can for me. She also said that whenever I wanted to have an ultrasound, she would do that for me as well. I told her that I didn’t think that coming in every week was necessary, but that I would like to come in every 2 weeks to have the heartbeat checked to make sure that our little guy was still with us.She also told us that we didn’t need to go anywhere else to deliver him like I had feared, but that we could deliver him there where my girls were born. The nurses would prepare a box for us to take home with little momentos to remember him, and help us to take pictures and what not.
Hard times
When we got our diagnosis it was close to the Christmas Holidays. I'm kinda glad about that because it helped to take my mind off of things. I had things to do and look forward to. I didn't have the time to sit and mope around. After the holidays were over though.....it hit me bad. I had more time on my hands that I didn't have anything to fill it with. I think depression set in after Christmas and New Years. I felt so lost and alone. Some days were better then others. Somedays I couldn't get myself out of bed. I kept thinking of the future and what was to come. So many questions were going through my head, and there wasn't to many people I knew that could answer them. I always wondered, Will I have to bury my son?? Will I have to plan a funeral?? I just didn't know what to expect, and that scared me.
Having all of those thoughts, made me feel like I was giving up on my little guy. Thats the last thing I wanted to do. I wanted to hold on to every last shred of hope that I could, and let God work in our lives. He has worked in our lives. I know this whole experiance has brought me closer to God. For that I am thankful......
Having all of those thoughts, made me feel like I was giving up on my little guy. Thats the last thing I wanted to do. I wanted to hold on to every last shred of hope that I could, and let God work in our lives. He has worked in our lives. I know this whole experiance has brought me closer to God. For that I am thankful......
Unexpected emotions
One thing happened to me that I did not expect at all. Something that usually would make me happy or excited about, made me angry and depressed. It made me want to cry......
The news of someone I knew getting pregnant hurt me so bad. Talk of a relative or friend having a baby upset me. The thought of anyone being pregnant made my angry. I didn't know why I felt this way.....I just did.
Everyone told me that those feelings were understandable, and that it was probably just part of the grieving process.
The news of someone I knew getting pregnant hurt me so bad. Talk of a relative or friend having a baby upset me. The thought of anyone being pregnant made my angry. I didn't know why I felt this way.....I just did.
Everyone told me that those feelings were understandable, and that it was probably just part of the grieving process.
Learning to accept without giving up hope
One of the hardest things that we had to do, was accept it. Accept something we could not change and be okay with it. Whats that saying??.... "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."
This has been, by far, the hardest thing that I have ever dealt with in my life. Learning to live with the knowledge that your baby is not likely to live is so devastating. Accepting it and trying to carry on with a pregnancy that would seem all is for nothing....is even more devastating. He is my son, I love him no less then my girls. I know this pregnancy was not all for nothing. God gave me this baby to carry for some reason. I may not know that reason, and I may never find out... but I know God has plans for this little guy.
I prayed everyday for my son. I prayed that he would be healed. I prayed that God would touch him and give him the parts that the doctors said he did not have. I know God is a miracle worker and can make the impossible possible. I tried to hold on to that hope that God would do all of that.
As my pregnancy progressed, I stopped praying for all of that, and just prayed that whatever happened in the end would be Gods will. I told God that I would be okay with whatever happened in the end, and I just prayed for strength to deal with whatever that was.
Not knowing what is going to happen....is hard. Learning to completely lean on God, and place everything in Gods hands is hard. I think thats what I was needing to learn through all of this. To learn to let God be in control and not so much myself. Learning to give God praise through difficult times is hard as well, but thats all I knew to do.
This has been, by far, the hardest thing that I have ever dealt with in my life. Learning to live with the knowledge that your baby is not likely to live is so devastating. Accepting it and trying to carry on with a pregnancy that would seem all is for nothing....is even more devastating. He is my son, I love him no less then my girls. I know this pregnancy was not all for nothing. God gave me this baby to carry for some reason. I may not know that reason, and I may never find out... but I know God has plans for this little guy.
I prayed everyday for my son. I prayed that he would be healed. I prayed that God would touch him and give him the parts that the doctors said he did not have. I know God is a miracle worker and can make the impossible possible. I tried to hold on to that hope that God would do all of that.
As my pregnancy progressed, I stopped praying for all of that, and just prayed that whatever happened in the end would be Gods will. I told God that I would be okay with whatever happened in the end, and I just prayed for strength to deal with whatever that was.
Not knowing what is going to happen....is hard. Learning to completely lean on God, and place everything in Gods hands is hard. I think thats what I was needing to learn through all of this. To learn to let God be in control and not so much myself. Learning to give God praise through difficult times is hard as well, but thats all I knew to do.
Learning to enjoy a difficult pregnancy
I was finally able to enjoy my pregnancy after I had stopped worrying about what the outcome would be. I had to quit thinking of what was going to happen and had to just love the growing baby that was inside me for what he was.....my son. I was no longer afraid to talk about it with people, and was able to answer other peoples questions about it. I learned to love my growing belly and embraced the fact that I was pregnant. I had so many weird cravings......ketchup chips, pepperoni pizza with sweet & sour sauce on top just to name a few. Trent and I were able to start joking about me being pregnant, and we sorta just treated this like any other pregnancy. I loved feeling him kick and move around. I loved it when he would get hiccups. I loved going to bed at night, because thats when he was most active. Trent and I would just lay there with our hands on my belly feeling him move. It was amazing. Things like what we were faced with, teach you to love all of the little things in life. Sure there were still hard times, and times that I still thought about what was going to happen, but I didn't let it stop me from enjoying my son.
When I stopped praying for healing, and just prayed for strength I felt better. I knew that God was going to take care of us no matter what the outcome was. I knew we would be okay. I knew my son would be okay whether he survived and stayed here on earth with us, or if he went to Heaven.
When I stopped praying for healing, and just prayed for strength I felt better. I knew that God was going to take care of us no matter what the outcome was. I knew we would be okay. I knew my son would be okay whether he survived and stayed here on earth with us, or if he went to Heaven.
Isaac James
I went into labor April 23rd, 2009. Isaac was born into this world April 25th, 2009 at 2:46am. He lived for a total of 1 hour and 19 minutes. He passed away at 4:05am in his Daddy's arms. For the majority of his short life, he was surrounded by his family. Both grammas, and both grampas. All of his aunties and uncles. Even his big sisters were there to say hello and good-bye. His short little life was such a blessing to all of us. I know that I made the right decision to continue on with the pregnancy. He let his little light shine and it still continues to shine now and forever more.
I miss him so much. My heart aches so bad for him. I want him in my arms. I want my baby...... He will always be my son, but I can never have him. I know he is in a better place now. He is in Heaven with the best babysitter possible. Knowing that makes me feel a little better....I know one day I will see him again.
I miss him so much. My heart aches so bad for him. I want him in my arms. I want my baby...... He will always be my son, but I can never have him. I know he is in a better place now. He is in Heaven with the best babysitter possible. Knowing that makes me feel a little better....I know one day I will see him again.
"I can't imagine Heavens lullabies and what they must sound like, but I will rest in knowing that Heaven is your home and thats all you'll ever know."
Isaac's Blinkies
These Blinkies were created for me by my good friends over on Pregnancy.org.. They have been a great support to me and have been there for me since way back when I was pregnant with Zoey, and even more so since we got our terrible news. To all of you ladies over there (you know who you are) I love you and I can not thank you enough for everything!!
