Sunday, April 26th, 2009 - Funeral Planning 

This was the day after Isaac passed....

I woke up early that morning because I couldn't sleep. The girls were staying with Trents parents until this was all over with. So I had no one to tend to but myself. I got up and went to the computer and brought out the SD card that Joy had given us that had all of Isaacs pictures on it. I went through those, just looking and remembering all that had happened the day before. It was hard looking at those...but I couldn't stop looking. I chose my favorite ones and cropped them all and then posted them on PG.O and Facebook, because I knew there were people wanting to see him. Even though he was gone, I wanted to share him with the world.

Afterwards, I checked my email and inbox on Facebook. There was a message from my Aunt Karen. She sent me a link to a video on YouTube. It was a song called "Bring the Rain" by: Mercy Me. (You can hear that song on the 'Birth Story' page.) I listened to it, and read the lyrics. After I listened to it I broke down and bawled. Not from sorrow, but from the realization that the song was true. It described my situation entirely. When I heard that song, I realized that when these kind of things happen to us, the things that we think will kill us....God brings us through it, and makes us stronger.

Trent had woken up at this point and came out to sit with me, he held me while I cried. At this point we were both crying for the son we lost. We cried in each others arms for the longest time. This was one of the harder times throughout the following days. Seeing and hearing my husband cry and seeing him in pain. The man that is always so strong in my eyes, seeing him break down like that.....was heartbreaking.

After we pulled ourselves together, I called the funeral home and made an appointment for us to come in and make the funeral arrangments. I made the appointment for 1pm that afternoon. So we got ready and went into town to get something to eat. It was Sunday, so Trents parents had gone to church with the girls. So we had to call them to let them know when we were going to the funeral home so that they could meet us there. I called my Aunt and asked if she could go to the funeral home with us and help us with the arrangments. She said she would be there.

We went to Ponderosa to have breakfast. My sister called and asked what the plans were for the day. I told her we were eating and then would be going to the funeral home afterwards. So they all came over to Ponderosa to eat with us. Sitting in that restraunt was weird. I looked around and everyone was laughing and smiling and just going about there every day business. This was just another day to everyone. To me.....this was the first day without my son. I wondered if we looked any different to people. Could they tell that we had just lost our son? I know they couldn't, but I couldn't help but wonder.

We went to the funeral home and talked a little with the funeral director. It was the same man that had come to the hospital to get Isaac the day before. He was the only one there, and greeted us and showed us to a room with a big table that had a bunch of books and pamphlets spread out on it. It had pictures on the walls of examples of things that we could have made for the funeral and what not. While we waited for Trents parents and my aunt to get there, he brought us glasses of water and we looked through the books.

Everyone got there, and we started talking. He went over everything with us, asked us questions and filled out papers. We went through poems, and sayings to put on the Remembrence card. We chose the dates and times to have the funeral. We wrote the obituary. We chose photos to include in the remembrance card. After everything was done, Trents parents and my aunt left. We asked if we could see Isaac before we left. He said sure, and said that he would be back to get us.

We waited a few minutes and then he came and got us. He took us through a set of doors and to where their office must be. He had brought Isaac out and had him lain him on a small table, maybe a cart. Isaac wasn't dressed and just had a sheet covering him upto his shoulders. Seeing him like that reminded me so much of the movies.....Where they bring someone to the morgue and they have to indentify their loved one. It played out exactly like it does in the movies too. I stood and looked at him from a distance at first, unsure if I wanted to approach my son or not. I think I was afraid at first, then I reminded myself that this was my son!! So I walked up to the little table and ran my fingers over his forehead and hair. I can remember clearly how cold he felt. It was that feeling I would remember later that would bring my nightmares.

I remember looking at him and thinking...."Wow they cleaned him up good." I had tried and tried to get all the gunky vernix stuff off of him the morning before, when I had given him a bath. I couldn't get it to come off, but they did. Isaac looked beautiful, and perfect. His little nose and chin still looked the same as when he was first born. At the hospital, when I was holding him in my arms, I couldn't help but touch his little nose and chin, they were so cute.....I loved them!  I ran my fingers along his cheek.....still so soft, yet very cold. I bent over and kissed his forehead and whispered that I loved him so much. I stepped back and let Trent see him. He started crying and then I lost it. I gave Isaac one more kiss and said "I love you Sweety." Then I stepped back and walked out of the funeral home in tears....    

Monday, April 27th, 2009 - Isaac's first service.

I don't remember when we woke up this day. The girls were still with Trents parents. We had to get some shopping done. I know I had NOTHING to wear to Isaac's services, and neither did Trent. So thats what we did that morning once we left the house. We went from store to store looking for something decent to wear, I needed shoes too. We found some clothes and went back home to get ready and wait till it was time to go to the funeral home.

The service started at 4pm for family visitations, then it started at 5pm for everyone else. I told Trent that I wanted to get there early so that I could spend some alone time with Isaac. When we got there though, there was already people waiting.

I remember walking up to the funeral home, and how weird it felt. Usually when I go to these things I'm not the center of attention, and not the person everyone is waiting on. I walked into the lobby of the funeral home, and everyone was waiting for me. They still needed my to look over some things before they could print them off. Everyone was looking at me.....almost like they were expecting me to break down at any second. They were very nice people though, very attentive and did everything they could to help us through this. Once I was done with the stuff they needed me to okay, I went to the room that they had Isaac in.

It was the first time seeing him in his little casket. I don't even remember what I felt, or what I thought. I walked up to the front where they had him. They had dressed him up in the little outfit that I had chosen for him. He was beautiful, such a handsome little man. I looked down at him and said "Hey Sweety", I rubbed his cheek with my thumb, ran my fingers over his forehead, touched his little nose and chin, then bent down and kissed his forehead and told him I loved him. I just stood there looking at him, I still couldn't get over how perfect he was......Too beautiful for this earth. I held his little hand which looked so cute. I couldn't help but think, that I never got to feel him hold my finger, like my girls did when they were first born.

I remember looking at all the chairs that they brought it, and thinking....."This isn't going to be enough for everyone." I told Trent that, and he mentioned it to someone. They told him that they would keep an eye on it and if more chairs were needed, they would bring them in. Sure enough, those chairs were filled in no time, and more were brought in throughout the service.

We had a small service that night. My mother-in-law played piano, and my father-in-law sang. We also had a few other friends sing as well. I remember my father-in-law singing "Victory in Jesus". Its one of my favorite songs....I had to fight back the tears. We had our good friend Carla do a small sermon for us as well. I always loved how she preached. She has a way of putting things that makes me understand everything clearly. She talked about how even though Isaacs life was short, it had a big impact on peoples lives, and how much of God's work he had already done, even though he only lived a short while and was just a tiny little infant. He did bring all of these people together, he brought my family together, who hasn't been on the best of terms lately.

After Carla did her sermon, and my father-in-law was done singing. Everyone started hugging us and started leaving. I was surprised by how many people showed up. People I would have never thought to see were there. Even the nurse that took my blood pressure and all that, every time I went to my Doctor appointments was there. She was always so sweet, I loved her! The nurse that I had with me part of the time when I was in labor was there. Even my doctor and her husband showed up. 

I think my doctor was the last person to leave, well....besides family. I was so happy that my doctor came to see us. I don't know why, but it brought me comfort to know that she cared and I was not just another patient to her. She truly is an amazing doctor, I couldn't have asked for anyone better. 

Tuesday, April 28th, 2009 - Isaac's second service

We picked up the girls and took them with us for the day. They missed us and we missed the girls. We went shopping again that day. Trent had to get more clothes and so did I. Someone had given us money to buy clothes, so thats what we did. After we were done shopping, we ran into my Mom at the last store we were at. So we asked her to go to lunch with us. We bought Pizza, and went to the park to eat. It was nice to relax a moment and to not think about what we were going through at the time.

We went home and got dressed and dropped the girls off at Trents parents house again. Trents cousin Joy was watching them that night while we all went to the funeral home. Trents sister-in-law had watched them the night before and a friend from church was going to watch them the day of the funeral. I decided that I didn't want the girls at the services. I didn't want to confuse Zoey anymore and I knew Alayna would get out of hand, so it was best to keep them away.

We drove to the funeral home again, hoping to get there early to spend some alone time with Isaac, but again people had already arrived. We went in and went straight to the room they had Isaac in the day before. He wasn't there!! The room was empty. We turned around and looked across the way to where there was a set of doors open and the lights were on. We walked over and saw a bunch of people we knew and there was Isaac casket at the front. They had moved him to a bigger room with more chairs. I guess they noticed that the other room wasn't big enough, so they moved him. We went in and greeted the people that were already there. Then we went to the front and spent a few moments with Isaac. I held his little hand and rubbed his chubby little arm. I loved his little arms and hands. They were so tiny and so perfect. Everytime I stood up there by his casket, I rubbed his little was so soft. I asked my father-in-law to take a picture of his arm and hand for me, to remind me of how much I loved them and so that I could always see it if I wanted to. That picture will always be held near and dear to my heart.

My friends were coming in to see us that day. My childhood friends from my hometown came. I was happy to see them there, and was comforted to know that I still mattered to them after all this time. Two of my friends from PG.O came to see us as well. Alicia was one of them. She was also there with us when Isaac was born. She walked the halls with me and helped us time contractions and took pictures for us when Isaac was born. She has been an amazing support through out this entire situation. If you are reading this Alicia "You Truly are amazing! Love you lots!"

We had another small service that night. Piano and songs again, but this time our pastor did a small sermon for us. I can't recall what he preached on that night. My grampa drove over from Canada to see us. He sang that night as well. I was happy to have him there. Once again I was amazed by how many people showed up to support us. So many family and friends, even my nurses showed up again.

Everyone eventually left around 7pm. It was just Trents parents Alicia, Lorah and Trent and I. I sent Trent out to the van to get something for me, and while he was out there I stood and talked to Alicia and Lorah. They eventually left as well along with Trents parents.

The thing that got me about this night was something that the one of the funeral directors had said to us after everyone had left. We had said Goodnight to Isaac, and gave him our kisses and said I love you and all that. We were preparing to leave and were just talking to the funeral director before we headed out. She said to us "I don't know what it is about this one, but I can really feel the presence of God here."  We were blown away to hear her say that. I know that I had felt the presence of God all around me the entire time.....but to hear someone else say it, made me feel wonderful. I was glad that I was not the only person who felt God around us. I knew my little Isaac had a purpose on this earth, and having her say that just confirmed that indeed he did!! God was there at Isaacs services....I felt Him, and I know others felt Him there as well. 

Wednesday, April 29th, 2009 - The funeral.

This was taken at the Funeral home on the second night.
The funeral was being held at our church at 11am with the burial immediately after. 

We got ready that morning and went to Trents parents house to see the girls before we left. We wanted to get there early, like the past 2 days just to spend time alone with him before everyone got there. We stopped in town to get something to drink and then went to the church. The hurse was there when we arrived, so we just parked behind it. We went in and the funeral directors were there finishing setting up. I walked straight up to Isaacs casket and whispered my usual "Hey sweety" and gave him a kiss on the forehead and stroked his little hand again. Seeing him at the church was hard. The last time he had been there, I was still pregnant with him. He was still alive and kicking away in my belly.....and I knew that this was his last stop before we went to the cemetary. It was heartbreaking. I couldn't help but cry then.....

I stood beside his casket until everyone started arriving, then I took my seat and waited, staring at my sons casket. People came in, hugged us and then sat down, Some just came in and sat down. Before the service started, my Healthy Start nurse came up and threw her arms around me. Seeing her brought me to tears and I cried openly for the first time. She had been there with me through my pregnancies with the girls, and had been there when Zoey was born. Then, one of the nurses that I had asked to be there with me when I had Isaac came up and hugged me as well. She was already crying and just threw her arms around me. Her eyes were already red from crying and was crying openly as she hugged me. Just seeing her pouring her heart out to me that she was so sorry that she couldn't be there for me when I had him.....I couldn't help but cry with her. 

After that, the service started. Our pastor greeted everyone and introduced the different people that went up to the pulpit. A member of the church got up and said a few words. Then another friend of ours went up and told everyone about his and his wifes story, about the little baby that they lost. Then it was Trents turn to go up and sing. He wanted to be the first one up there to sing, because he said that if he heard anyone else sing first, he wouldn't be able to do it. So he went up and got out his guitar and said Hello to everyone. He sang a song called "I can only imagine" by: Mercy Me. He did good at first, then half way through her started to cry, but he did finish the song.....half crying half singing. He did great though. He said that he wanted to sing to his son at least once....and he did!! I'm glad that he did. Once Trent started singing up there you could hear the waterworks start behind me. The sniffling started up and you could hear people was heart wrenching. I could see and hear the pain as Trent sang and cried. I couldn't help but cry myself, just knowing that my husband was hurting.

After Trent was done, his parents went up, played piano and sang. So did my Grampa and a few others. Once they were done, our pastor did sermon. He talked about how Trent and I truely know how God felt, when he sent His son to earth, and when Jesus died on the cross, because we too lost a son. He talked about how God gave his son to us, so that we could live again in Heaven and so that death was not the end. Once he was done preaching, my father-in-law sang again and then the service was over.

I got up and stood next to Isaacs casket again and held his little hand and cried. My sister Jackie came up to comfort me, I threw my arms around her and bawled, and really let it out. I can still hear myself crying that day. I can still feel my tears as they rolled down my cheeks and into my sisters hair as she hugged me. I can still feel Jackies arms around me as she cried too. My other sisters, Aimee and Jewels came up and hugged me as well, so did my Mom. It was one big group hug, as I continuted to bawl. I think if they hadn't been holding me I wouldn't have been able to stand. I was feeling for the first time, the pain of it all. The pain from losing my son.....the pain from losing everything that comes along with having a baby. When I think back on that moment when I cried as Jackie held me, I can't help but get choked gets me everytime. I think maybe thats when it truly hit me, the reality of it it all. The realization that my son was really gone, that this really did happen and it was not some bad dream.

After I finally let go of my sister, I hugged my Mom and cried some more. I kept wanting her to sweep me up in her arms like she would when I was a little girl. I kept wishing she could take the pain away like she always did when I was young. I remember looking at her and wanting so bad to say "Mom.....I can't do this!!! " In hopes that she would make it all go away. I couldn't help but feel small in her arms as I cried, I felt like a child again, like all the times when I was younger and she would hold me, or when I would go to her at night and be comforted. No matter how much I squeezed her though.....the pain didn't stop, the bad stuff didn't go away. My son was still gone, and my heart was still broken.

We hugged everyone as they went by Isaac's casket one last time. I don't think there was a dry eye at all. Everyone that I hugged, everyone that came up to the front to offer their condolances were either crying, or had been at one could just see it in their eyes. People I never thought would be affected by this, were brought to tears. It was all so heartbreaking.

Then came the time that I dreaded.....It was time to close the casket. We had told them not to seal it until we got to the cemetary, so they were just putting the lid on to take it to the cemetary. The funeral director came forward after most everyone had left to get in their cars and wait to go to the cemetary. He asked me if I wanted to wrap Isaac in the blanket I had made for him, or if I wanted it folded and place on him. (You can see the blanket in the "Other Pics" page) I told him that I wanted to wrap him in it, so we did.

The funeral director picked Isaac up out of the casket and placed him in my arms. I held him close and cried. I covered his face with kisses, and whispered to him that I loved him so much. For some reason that moment seemed to last a long time. Just holding my son in my arms, and trying to love him and cherish the feel of him in my arms as much as I could. Afterwards I gave him to Trent so that he could hold him one last time.

While Trent was holding him, the funeral director took the blanket off of the display rack it was on thorugh out the funeral and services. He handed it to me so that I could wrap Isaac in it. I folded down the corner that had my hand print embroidered on it, and held the blanket out in my arms so that Trent could place Isaac in my arms and on the blanket. His head was placed on top of my handprint, as if it was my hand cradling him as he slept. I then swaddled him in the rest of the blanket as I did to my girls when they were first born. I held him close to me again as he was swaddled in his blanket. I kissed his little cheek and his forehead, and cherished this last moment that I would ever hold him close to me, the last time that I would ever hold him in my arms. I whispered that I loved him and placed him back in the casket. I pushed back his little hat like I did so many times through out the funeral and services one last time, and felt the softness of his dark hair, kissed his forehead, said "I love you sweety" and then stepped back to let the funeral director place the lid on the casket. I could feel my heart break just a little bit more when it was placed on top. 

The Cemetary

We asked my cousin Alan, who I had grown up with and who has been a very good friend to Trent and I through out the years, to carry Isaacs casket out. We all followed him out and watched as he placed our son in the back of the hurse. We then got in our van and waited for the hurse to pull out. 

That was a long drive. I didn't know if I should cry or not. I didn't want to upset Trent anymore since he was driving. I remember looking out the window and seeing the passing cars that had pulled over in respect for us. I remember seeing the sky and how beautiful it was that day. It wasn't cold, and it wasn't hot, it was just right. It was a big beautiful blue sky with little white puffy clouds here and there. We couldn't have asked for a better day.

We drove to the cemetary and pulled up near Isaacs gravesite. This was our first time seeing where he would be buried. We got out of the van and Alan met us by the hurse to help get Isaac's casket out. My sister came up and stood with me as Trent and Alan brought out Isaacs casket together and took it over and placed it next to the gravesite.

I don't remember much of this part. I don't know was just a big blur to me. I know our pastor said a few things, and Trents dad and a few of our church members sang a song, and I think everyone sang a song. Our pastor said one last prayer and then everyone started to leave. A few people stayed behind, but most left and went back to the church to eat, or went home. Mostly family stayed with us.

We opened Isaacs casket one last time so that the funeral director could seel it. While he was preparing the seel, Trent and I spent a few last moments with Isaac by ourselves and said our last goodbyes. I covered Isaacs face in kisses one last time, and told him how much I loved him one last time........It seemed that no matter how many times I told him I loved him, it didn't seem to be enough. I wanted Isaac to know how much I loved him and how much he meant to me, but even though I said it to him repeatedly it just wasn't enough. I wished i could go on forever whispering in his little ear that I loved him. I wish I could see him just one last time....and whisper to him one last time "Hey Sweety....I Love You!!" 

Trent gave him a kiss and said he loved him and then he took off the cross necklace that he's worn for as long as I"ve known him, and placed it in Isaacs casket. He told Isaac that he wanted him to have it. This just broke my heart....I knew how much that necklace meant to Trent.

The funeral director told us that he was ready to put the lid back on, so we gave Isaac just one last kiss, and said one last I love you, and then said Good-Bye to our son.

Once the casket was seeled, Trent and the funeral director lowered it into the ground. I had told Trent that he didn't have to do this, and that he didn't have to be the one to put his son in the ground and that he didn't have to bury his son, but he told me that he felt like he was supposed to do it, that it was his responsability. So Trent did as he said, and helped lower Isaac into the ground and took the wheel burrow full of dirt, and filled the hole himself. How he was able to do, I have no idea. It was agonizing enough to watch him do it.....but to actually do it, is way beyond my strength!!

As Trent and the funeral director were lowering Isaac into the ground, my sister Jackie came up to me and put her arm around me and tried to turn me away saying that I didn't have to watch this. I told her that I had to. I don't know why, but I had to know that my son was actually in there. I had to see it with my own eyes, to know that it was real. I knew that it was real....I could feel the pain inside my heart.

Afterwards, Trent came and put his arms around me and I cried. It was was done. We buried our son. My son was gone and there was nothing left that I could do. The last part of my heart that wasn't broken was then shattered. 

The funeral procession

Just Once....

Just once I wish I could have spent a late hour rocking you in my arms,

Just once I wish I could have gently lain you in your crib.

I wish I could have changed a diaper, 

Chosen an outfit for the day,

GIven you a bath,

and soothed your skin with lotion.

Just once I wish I could have heard you cry out in loneliness for me,

or spent time alone with you, just the two of us.

Strolled you proudly through the shopping mall,

Just once I wish I could have heard the words

"What a beautiful, healthy baby boy!"

Just once.... 

~Author Unknown~

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